23. Steve Nash
He's the Jennifer Aniston of the NBA: A sympathetic figure who brings a ton to the table and just wanted to have kids (or in Nash's case, win one title), only now his window is closing and he's considering the sperm donor route (or in Nash's case, a mercy trade to a contender with a better chance of winning, like Portland). By the way, Sarver is absolutely Angelina Jolie in this analogy -- he ruined everything and doesn't even feel bad about it. The Shaq trade equals the time Jennifer's wasting by dating John Mayer -- ultimately, it's a wasted year for her ovaries. Amare Stoudemire was Brad Pitt, the guy who should have made it happen and didn't. And I think Marc Stein was Us Weekly.
--Bill Simmons, ESPN
If you don't get this, don't worry. I think the Sports Guy, Whitney W.L. and I are the only people that might fully understand this analogy, but it cracked me right up. Is it sad that I feel glee?