On Facebook, there exists an application that provides hours of entertainment for cripples and non-cripples alike. Called Compare People, that's just about what you do. An algorithm spits up two of your friends and you choose which one better fits the question asked. The combinations of people and questions is sometimes ironic, hilarious, or snore-bore. It's all totally random.

None of the questions the program asks are negative in connotation--no "Who could stand to shower more often?" or "Who would you vote off the universe?" exist. I don't think it's a stretch however, for the mortal, logical mind to view a "loss" (even to a somewhat deserving opponent) as actually a backward way of saying "Oh, so and so isn't that thing." In the photo example above, say I choose to live with Mallory (sorry Mich, blood is thicker than water!). It's not that I don't want to live with Michele, it's just that I choose Mal as the better option. It's nothing personal against Michele; I just choose the slightly better option.

This in turn makes checking your own stats nine parts fun, one part disconcerting. Here's the nine parts fun--in the times my photo has come up for review, I've "won" 100% of the votes for: more creative, artistic, popular, would I rather take shopping, loyal, a better laugh, more adventurous, prettier, more cuddly, a better body, more useful, better singer, more likely to win in a fight, crazier, more reliable, nicer, more talkative. Pretty awesome, right? Who wouldn't want to be all those things eh? Based on the 100 percenters, I'm a rockstar.

So there I am, reading through my glowing list of wins. There are some 66% (more tech-savvy, better friend, better public speaker) and 50% (better dancer, more powerful, famous, confident, entertaining) wins here and there and I'm still hanging in there, riding the glow of my 100%s.

Then, scanning the list, I find my first goose egg. Would make a better mother. Ha! I really did laugh outloud. My f-book friends unanimously voted me 0% less likely to be a better mother. Totally random and strange. Want to hear my other zero percents? Drum roll puh-leeeeeeeze: rather date, sexier, more attractive, prettier eyes, rather have dinner with, smells nicer, a better smile, more likely to succeed, better listener, more outgoing, more naturally talented, cooler, funnier, more trustworthy, better at science. Phew! Uhhhh... it makes me nervous that a good chunk of the things on my 0% list are physical traits.

Ironic, because before now, I would have considered myself as someone who looks good on paper--educated, good job, socially-ept, full head of hair... but now I'm not so sure. Phew! Remember what I said about that one part disconcerting!?

ALright friends, I'm off to review a science book I just bought on Amazon. Gotta rack up some votes somewhere; that seems like the easiest place to start.