When I decide to post a piece of my heart, I always fear its cheese factor. I'm nervous about being, writing, or sounding cliched--because I like to think I'm smarter, wittier, and more clever than that kind of writing allows. I fret and worry over the words I pen--that they'll never convey the thoughts of my heart and the feelings in my brain. (See what I did there? Think about it. Cliched? Take that!) My greatest fear is that I lack eloquence and expression.
The first few minutes of these "thinking posts" are usually sat in ponderous silence--starting, deleting. Starting another way. At some point I give up and let my fingers do what they will with the words that come together on the screen. A minor edit here or there, but after I gain momentum, I realize my true voice cracks through the cliche and I write what I want and I'm rarely displeased with what comes out.
This is a very long setup to say the following:
After a lifetime of self-reflection, I've come to a conclusion. If asked to describe myself in three adjectives, I finally have a caboose to tall and mildly entertaining. And that word is resilient. I know that life knocks us all down, but I've felt an increasing ability to swing around; realign my expectations, and bring myself back upright. My recovery time is quicker and I spend less time flat on my back. Sure, I had flashes of resiliency before, but I'm learning to use the knocks of life as momentum: propelling me to self review and ultimately to change.
As open and shameless as I am about my life and some of my guiltier pleasures, there are (some) secrets and experiences I keep close to my heart. As such, I don't make my whole life available online; and you may (or may not) respect me for that. I'm only sorry for the latter because I think you'd be proud of the way I'm learning to spring back. I feel strong. And hopeful. And that good things are in store for me--the very best things.
And this probably sounds cheesy, or self-important, or insincere--but I promise I try so hard to be none of those things in my online and offline worlds. The good news is that I'm getting there. One post at a time.
4 comments:
nice job. It's like my cycling friend told the class last monday. "Things that taste good are usually bad for you, and things that hard to do are usually good for you."
I take the latter with building resiliency.....
just takes a good few thousand times to realize and admit that its true.
Loved this post. Beautifully stated. Reminds me that I wanna be like you when I grow up.
And, have I mentioned how much I admire the "online you"...and the "actual you" even more?
(There's some good cliche for ya. Enough, I'd say, to knock your socks off.)
You are such an inspiration, Nat! (previous statement successfully more cliche than your blog) You're so great at making lemonade out of lemons, and jumping right back on that horse.
I'm proud to call you my older sister!
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