Saturday, November 28, 2009

Nat is Awesome.

It's the holidays! Black Friday is past, and Christmas is on the queue. Lots of hustle. Plenty o'bustle. Everyone's excited to see the family, find the perfect gift, eat all the best foods, pull out the Christmas music, light the fires, and basically have a ball. Simultaneous with this, many of us are fighting off the germs threatening us at every handshake or touch of a door handle. I myself have been recovering slowly from…well…it doesn't really have a name. If I had to name the thing that gives you a runny nose, constant coughing, body aches, sore throat, a cold sore, and a tense neck, I think I'd name it Carla. Carla works as well as anything else. Carla has more or less gone away, but in her wake of wrathful phlegm, she leaves behind a single chotchkie...a cough. This cough is surely familiar to you. Long after all symptoms have left, even months later, the cough remains. Like dust flakes coating your inner respiratory, it lingers, lifts, and regenerates ad nauseum. Perhaps you've been up nights enjoying this leftover piece of crap for a cold symptom, or annoyed the daylights out of other movie theater patrons on a Saturday afternoon. Yes, there are many things about the cough that make you want to punch yourself in the lungs, but hey! Don't do that! Turn that smile upside down, friend! Because here it is. A special list for you.

Fun Things To Do With A Residual Carla Cough

  1. Cough in a descending scale of pitches. For advanced pupils, try arpeggios.
  2. Use the cough to help further cultivate your chimpanzee imitation.
  3. Go to a movie or play and see how many times you can cough during the pauses in dialogue. At the show's beginning you are allotted fifty points. You lose two points every time you interrupt a line. If you reach curtain call with at least 45 points or more, you get a steak dinner. Have the theater patron in front of you pay.
  4. Visit the supermarket wearing a mask, and when you're standing next to someone, lift it away from your face only when you cough, replace when coughing is done. Then give your fellow shopper a hello and keep moving.
  5. Create a cough interpretive dance. Put the cough into your whole body, and move as the cough would have you go. Set this dance to Kenny Loggins' beloved, "Danger Zone."
  6. Make lots of crank calls to pizza joints and sandwich shops where you must list several custom toppings, making sure to cough directly into the phone like a maniac in between items.

Well, folks, that's six. That should get you started. If you have a great idea to add, please put it in a comment! I'm going to start on my interpretive dance now. See yas!

Nat Is Awesome.


1 comment:

Nat Attack said...

Dude Mary. There was some kid coughing up a storm in the customs line leaving Mexico a few days ago. Kids are the worst because they don't even think twice about covering their mouths. Aye yie yie.

And your list is totally appropriate. Every time Colleen or I saw someone wearing masks in Mexico (because there were quite a few) we'd holler out "Swine Flu!" This made us popular with the locals.

Definitely, maybe, probaby related posts:

If NatA! posted a photo with this blog, here it is!